*Disclaimer: None of these ideas presented here are original. They are all sourced from a combination of Gestalt therapy theory, psychotherapy theory and spiritual programmes and teachings and re-produced here in my own words.
Feeling unlovable, seems to exist as a pervasive felt-sense of not adding up to very much, which defines the very core of who we are. It can feel like a kind of slumping, a heaviness in our heart or body, possibly accompanied by very young seeming language like “the whole world seems pointless”, or “I am bad”
As human beings, I believe we long for connection and to not remain separate from others. So, at times we try and explain this kind of feeling to others. Well-meaning people who want to help us tell us that they think we are great, and we should stop worrying. That we must believe we are ok. In many ways having someone that cares enough about us to say this can be hugely supportive and affirmative. But it can also make us feel worse, because how we feel on the inside, doesn’t seem to be valid in their eyes. It’s a subtle pushing away of who we are in this moment, and we might even feel more inadequate for not being able to change how we feel and to stop the worrying. We feel like somehow the feelings are our fault, and, we should be better at being able to stop having this feeling. In the end we learn that these feeling shouldn’t really come out and that perhaps we are 'over-sharing' So, they go back under ground, where they are left isolated and lonely.
So where does this feeling come from? As a child, we have needs and feelings that can only be met by the world around us. We are vulnerable. When these are not validated, embraced and accepted by people who are so vital to our survival, typically our parents, we believe that these needs and feelings themselves are unacceptable. And which parent, whose job it is also to socialise us into society, finds our tantrum in the supermarket loveable and acceptable? But as we are young, instead of seeing this as a behaviour which is difficult for others, we often make a decision that ‘I’ am unacceptable” or “I am unlovable” There is something wrong with me. And it’s easier and far less scary to accept that there is something wrong with me, than there might be something wrong with the person who I am dependant on for my survival.
The painful experience of these feelings, literally ourselves, being left and abandoned by this withdrawal from our caregiver (when what we need is soothing, presence and care) is so painful we too abandon ourselves, our bodies, our feelings, and create a thought in our head; “I am unlovable”. Or some version of this. The thought gives us something to focus on that supports us to avoid the pain of the feeling, and to make some sense of this difficult world and the experience it is giving us. So, we lock up and store these difficult feelings that are painful to experience and keep them in our bodies. And of course, the energy behind the tantrum, of anger and frustration, is a powerful important emotion for getting what we want or need in the world. Later in life, it becomes an important emotion for holding our boundaries so that we can remain compassionate with people.
How does therapy help? To be able to feel lovable, with gentleness, trust and time, we need to feel into and experience the original painful feeling of being rejected and abandoned. To really feel these feelings, you need something to contain them, to hold you, so that you are not re-overwhelmed. In the beginning, the therapist provides presence, warmth, compassion, and attunment to the experience you are having. Your body and your whole system provide the current moment material; the current topic of interest that life has given you. This can be the manager that criticises you, the partner who doesn’t really understand and get you, and we can see that life is giving us experiences looking to bring back that unfinished business that is looking for the presence and attention that was missing in the original moment. The relational patterns that we created with our early caregivers, we bring into our relationships throughout our life. So, the abandonment we felt then, we feel again now. And we bring these same feelings and relational patterns into the relationship with the therapist. The same thing we experience over and over again in all our relationships, happens in the therapy. Which gives us a microcosm of relationship to explore consciously, with care and with exquisite attention to slow down and deepen our awareness and understanding of how we are feeling and reacting, and why.
Through talking about it, and feeling into it, we gain some distance from those feelings. We no longer are the feelings, we can be with the feelings. The love - or we could say the presence, attention and compassion - from the therapist and the listening from someone who doesn’t have to do the shopping, cooking etc as they are with us, breathes life and warmth back into the parts of us that were pushed down and abandoned. It literally allows us to move from the head into the body and the heart where the feelings still are.
Gestalt psychotherapy can involve helping you to track and notice what is happening in your body. When a boy is told often enough to be a brave soldier, he will literally tense and contract the muscles around his eyes to prevent the tears from falling. In this way he wins the support and approval of those around him. Acceptance and belonging. And in time those muscles become fixed and bent and out of shape, and the grief remains lodged inside. The original feelings and memories can be stored like this in the body.
Learning to love yourself in your mind, as a rational argument by telling yourself that in fact you are loveable for all these and these and these reasons, is I believe, an impossible task. In doing this, we are rejecting again the part of us that says ‘I am unlovable’ which is itself a recreation of the original abandonment. And the original job of the voice that said, I am unlovable’ (or you could say the ego, the mind), was an important and constructive one; to keep us safe and to survive. In the beginning its hard to love ourselves by ourselves, but that becomes easier in time as we learn to, and have the courage to, reach out and share with others the parts of us we feel are unlovable.
I think starting therapy often takes courage. To begin with, to not trust our environment or another, is a supportive creative adjustment to protect us when we are vulnerable because of our past experiences. But in time, we might find the willingness to find the courage to develop the trust that will enable us to be vulnerable, which happens in conjunction with a therapist who is attuned to you in a way that others are not and can meet that vulnerability and not turn away. As John Lennon wrote, ‘Love is asking, to be loved’
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